The Awkward Truth

In the last 6 months I didn't realize it but I spend almost 100% of my time with people that knew my story.  I never had to explain anything to anyone.  Everyone just knew. 

The reason I didn't realize it, is because finally over 6 months after Craig died some one asked... then another person asked...

To me this means several things.  I kept myself contained to people I trusted.  I stayed in my comfort zone.  I am finally ready to break out of the routine, the comfort zone and the security. 

But both times that Ana and Emrie's dad got brought up it was SO uncomfortable.  The first time... it was the very first time I had to explain it to an 'outsider'... and I did a horrible job.  It went something like this....

A dad at the park and I were chatting about his kids and my kids.  One thing lead to another after a 20 minute conversation I blurted out "they don't have a dad, its a long story."   I immediately thought WHAT THE HELL?  They have a dad!  Why would I say that?  What was I thinking?  Crap!  Its too late to go back to talking about it.  Damn it! 

I thought about it for days.  I apologized to Craig so many times.  I am over it now... (until I have to see that dad again at the park.)

I told 2 people about it.  Both times my friends said, I bet that guy was wondering if you got artificially inseminated.

Shit.
That was just dumb! 

The second time it was the head pastor of our new church.  Cassidy and I went to a dinner at his house with our 5 kids.  We were concerned (or thought it was funny) that we have the same last name and neither of us have husbands with us at any of the church functions.  We wondered if people would think we are a couple.  :-) 

Anyway, finally the pastor sat and spoke to Cass and I about our kids, where we live etc.  He asked, are your husbands here?  *********crickets chirping********  I pointed to Cassidy and blurt out "she is divorced."  He shook his head and said oh, ok.  I knew it was coming... he looked at me for an answer.  Asked if I was divorced too.  Cass said yes, I said no.   We both were choking on our words...  Finally I say pointing at the girls playing in the corners "their dad passed away, I'm sorry it is always so awkward to bring it up."  That was easy enough.  As a pastor, he didn't really get freaked out by the fact.  He just nodded and said "ok-  I would really like to have coffee with you two to learn more about you."

I know it will get easier and I am going to start expecting to get asked about their dad.  Mainly so I don't get a 'deer in the headlights look' before saying something super stupid. 

The point of all of this is:  Our truth is awkward, there is no denying it.  But, I am super pumped that I am finally getting back out into the 'world.'  It was a long winter of keeping to my comfort zone and sticking to routines. 

I'm getting a little crazy up in 'hurr'; watch out.  Who knows what kind of craziness I will come up with.  I might actually let the girls watch a movie on a school night.  (probably not tonight though, because honestly... its Thursday and Grey's is on at 8- So the girls will both be in bed by 7:55.) Tomorrow I might throw a little craziness out there (if you know anything about me, that craziness I am referring to could possibly be giving Emrie yogurt raisins for the first time)... I will keep you posted.

The girls in my bed before their bedtime.  Ana was "reading" to Emrie.